A Difficult Time in My Life

**When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you.**
~ ― Friedrich Nietzsche

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**Hey, Hivers 👋!... How's it going?**
In September 2018, as a result of some pretty not well thought out decisions in the previous years, I had to stop attending school indefinitely and immediately look for a job to try and sustain myself.
Job search especially for a young and inexperienced youth is pretty tough, and I ended up joining my uncle and taking up the role of managing a business he runs.
Back then my relationship with my mom was pretty much non-existent. I was not close with most of my relatives and so it was very hard finding anyone to talk to about some of the struggles that I was going through. *"I am okay,"* was always my default reply to anyone who inquired of my well being.
The culmination of me trying to deal with my demons on my own silently without success was me quitting school without informing anyone of my decision, which resulted in me securing the working position with my uncle.
On starting I thought everything was going to turn out great, I would work during the day and try working on something personal during the evenings, little did I know that my plans would never come to be, things would actually get worse, much worse than I could have ever anticipated, and making it more complicated since my mom was not aware of my whereabouts I could not ask for her help and had to work the long hours in silence.

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/my-musings/23t74ySHussFhNA8TYkRnFTWAhTMVhjfGufydUDTM4miF6LGWjxomdSVp459yxQeVxzfE.png)

By December 2018, I could not take it any longer and I swallowed my pride and just told my mom everything that was going on, she was of course shocked and then disappointed but at that point there was nothing much she could do to change the damage. Despite my uncle being my relative, the working conditions he provided and the work I was doing was too much and it all had negative effects on my mental health and overall health.
Come August 2019, I was able to finally quite the position and finally make the necessary arrangements to resume school, but the past one year had been my worst, my uncle had taken advantage of the cheap labour, and my ignorant self could not at first see that he was taking advantage of me and preventing me from going back to school, simply he saw an opportunity and decided to utilize it to for his business growth while my state from bad to worse.

Making peace and trying to find myself after all that was the hardest. I lost my ability to dream, I basically just existed, I had no hope for a better tomorrow. Losing my dreams and inspirations was soo crushing, I felt like a total zombie just going through the motions of everyday routine with nothing to look forward to, life just felt tasteless.

**In hindsight though...**
As a result of the pain I underwent through I think my character has greatly changed, in trying to find a path back to my lost self I got started on self-awareness, now I can say I at least understand myself a little much better than I ever did. I was able to repair my relationship with mom and have her back in my life, something crucial to my need for the emotional support that only a parent can provide. I am highly sensitive and I need the support. I always loved philosophy before that, but now after everything, it was more crucial in my life playing the role of a constant source of insights on how to navigate life, make peace with myself, a myriad very life changing insights. It is my now my guide through life, and understanding all the complexities.
I had to cut my uncle from my life completely and distance myself from anyone with opportunistic and manipulative tendencies. It may be selfish of me, but I am at peace than I have ever been.

Despite being handled lemons I somehow found a way to make lemonade, my dreams are back, life is no longer dull, but rather it is full of beauty in it not being perfect. I ceased merely existing and I can say am on the path towards fully living and doing those things that matter the most to me.
...

However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace.
~ Henry David Thoreau

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Y'all are the BEST! Cheers!

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