In the middle of the storm

Last year was one of the best and worst years of my life. I think about it with a lot of mixed emotions because, in the midst of so much bad, I experienced a lot of good. I found myself in some terrible situations that I never imagined I would be in yet in the midst of so much bad, I experienced a lot of good.

Image from Jimmy Chan on Pexels

Financially, last year was the year I made my first thousand dollars. It was the year I finally realised that little wins over time can accumulate into huge successes. I learnt not to ever despise my little earnings and to keep going no matter how unclear a journey might seem.

Emotionally, last year wrecked me. I cried more times than I could count and it made no sense that haven acquired that amount of financial success I was still going through an awful emotional relationship.

A few days ago, I thought about my experiences last year and I realised that those experiences were probably a huge part of a healing process that I've not yet processed. I may have moved on from the person involved but I still haven't really analysed how badly the events ruined me.

I did things that I never realised I was capable of doing. I broke almost every rule I had set for myself and went against a lot of my principles because my heart told me it was the right thing to do.

I broke myself so much that on 2 different occasions, I got hospitalized and I couldn't even tell my family because of how many wrong moves I had made that read me to that situation.

I carried some of that load to the first 2 months of this year, however, in the third month I let it all go and moved on regardless of the boulder I felt I had tied around my neck.

Sometimes, you don't exactly know how strong you are until your only option is to be strong. I had the money to do a lot but the one thing I desperately wanted was beyond my reach. That was the most heartbreaking thing that I ever imagined could happen to me but I survived it.

What I learned?

In all that happened last year, I learned that we just have to keep moving. Life doesn't wait for us to get our shit together and realise that someone isn't right for us. Time keeps moving and as long as there's life, there must be motion.

I probably could have let go a lot sooner than I did but regardless of when I let go, I did it and the outcome was peace. At the point of my chaos, I never imagined I could find as much peace as I did from letting go, but I did.

I wish I had let go a lot sooner but my timing was perfect. By letting go, I got directed to a new path in life and a new person who didn't make me feel confused or question the things I wanted from them. That, to me, made everything worth it.

Conclusion

Unfortunately, I can't get into the details of how exactly I was wrecked but it was not an experience I would enjoy recalling so soon.

While it hurts that I went through what I went through, I remain grateful for the experience and the good that took place. Without all that good, I probably never would be as relaxed as I am about life.

It sucks having a lot but not being happy. I hope I never have to be forced to go through that again but even if I do, I trust my ability to be resilient in the face of adversity.