I have been single since the year 2019. Since I became 19 years old, I have not been interested in being in a relationship because of the thought of thinking about my future and what I will do while not studying, and I became busy earning crypto just to help and provide the things that my family needed during COVID-19.

Every time someone approaches me and confesses their feelings to me before, I can't accept those feelings and am always rude to them. Because I thought those feelings were just a joke and not real feelings. Scared to be played with.

Sure, I have someone I like when I am new to a website where we also write blogs. I knew him for years before admitting that I liked him. He is also an anonymous person, and he is here on the blockchain too. But that feeling I felt for him is not that deep, and maybe because I fall for him for being an anonymous person.

Since I started writing blogs here and getting to know the other new people, there has also been this person that I liked. He changed my beliefs about love. My heart, which sleeps and hates love, woke up because of him. But in our lives, there are people who we can meet and just pass through our lives, but we can't have them. I was broken a lot of times because of that person, but of course, he is not the one to blame but myself. He did everything to make my feelings stop, and that person was very kind to me. I'm really the only one who is naughty and wrong. That's why I am like this, and I act immature right now.

I don't know how to start this rant because I don't want to rant about it, but I feel annoyed. I hate men (not all men) who have these attitudes in relationships.

Last month, I got a chance to talk with my past suitor (he was my hs suitor before). But his cousin was my type before.

His cousin was my crush for 10 years, and he also became my ex for one day (last year). We were only together for one day because I felt like I didn't like him anymore because I liked someone else at that time. I already met my crush here.

I was heartbroken and in the process of moving on because I was friendzoned by someone I liked. In two months of moving on, I did everything to forget. I give myself "me" time, leaving all my social media accounts for 1 month, traveling and going to some places I have never been to with some people I know, drinking some alcohol every day and/or night to forget the pain, writing blogs and focusing on how my hive account wallet makes some improvements, etc. And if you questioned why I have been acting like that in the past few months, it was because that was my first time or my first heartbreak. I had never been like that in my previous relationship before. Seriously? This is why I don't like to fall in love, because I already see it in some dramas and read it in some Wattpad stories about how much love can destroy you.

Why am I telling you this? It was because, like I said, I am heartbroken, right? I did everything I could to move forward, but everything that I did was useless, and I can't move on. And here is this boy. We had communication for 2 weeks before we became in a relationship. He is the one who gives care; he is the one who gives the feeling that the person I like can't give.

So because I was desperate to move on, we immediately entered into a relationship, even though he had just courted me for 2 weeks. I am not easy to get, but because I already knew that person since daycare, he was also one of my childhood friends. It became easy for me to trust him because I know him as a good person; he is also a smart person; and he is working as an engineer now.

But I tried because I thought at that time, what if I give someone my age a chance first, and I also think that I'm not ready for a relationship with who are older than me because they have come a long way, I don't seem to be able to manage what they expect because I haven't reached the standards they want.

Another reason why I give him a chance to be his girlfriend even though I don't have any feelings for him—uh, yes. I gave him a rebound because I wanted to move on. I also want to feel that I am also the one who is liked; I am also the one who is loved because I feel exhausted and tired of loving the same person for 2 years.

I'm not in the habit of using other people to move on. In fact, it's my first time doing it. I know it's bad, and so, at first, I felt guilty because he didn't know that he was only my rebound to move on.

At first, we were okay. He is sweet to me, and we also do video calls when he's not busy. It seems like just a normal relationship like others, but we are LDR because he works in Baguio. Because of him, I also felt the feeling of having a relationship or being in a relationship because I had been single for several years.

But there's just one thing I don't expect. So this is the problem and why I got angry. We've only been in a relationship for a week and four days, but he immediately invited me to have sex with him.

Of course we are both at the right age, but it's not right to do that right away because our relationship is new. I am aware and am open-minded. I know that there are such things in relationships because sex is also part of a relationship, right? I know that men have needs. But why is he like that right away?

So at that time, my head suddenly feel hurt because he knew about my past relationships when we were in high school; he knew the reason why I broke up with them because we were only in the same circle of friends and acquaintances, but I don't know that he will behave the same.

So I told him, "If that's the only way you see me, and if that's the only thing you're after, let's break up.". and I blocked him on all my social media because that's how I am with my exes—not because I'm bitter, but because I hate men who only want sex—it's like he made me feel that way; he wants to have a relationship with me to score points. lol

I am aware that I am at fault too, because I became desperate to be in a relationship just to forget my feelings for someone I liked. I am at fault because I am not being careful when making decisions. I am at fault because I made him rebound, and I guess this is my "karma." for being impatient.

But I think I did not know that he changed, and I didn't know that he would become like that.

Besides that, he also told his mom about our relationship. Well, his mother and my grandmother have a connection with each other. My grandmother is a senior, so she already has a lot of friends with her peers and with women here in our barangay, and she is also a member of TSPI, so she really knows a lot of women who are close to her.

As we talked about, we can't spread our relationship until we've been together for a few months. I really don't want to introduce someone to my family until I see that person being serious about our relationship. I haven't introduced my past boyfriends to my family yet. All the men I've been in relationships with, my grandparents only heard about the rumors, and I denied them, but I don't introduce them. They only know them by name.

Except during the meet-up, because I told my aunt that I had a crush on what she saw at that time. But I think this is not counted. Lol

Yes, I was annoyed, but I didn't message him about it anymore because I had already blocked him. I just told my grandmother that it wasn't true, and I want her to tell his mom that it was just an illusion of her son because I didn't answer him yes when he wanted to go out with me.

Then his mom said to my grandma that it was good to know that we are not really together because she wants his son to focus on his work and she doesn't want me to be in a relationship with him. I told my grandma to tell his mom that his son is addicted to sex, and he was the one who wanted to have sex with me. That's why I don't like his son, because he's very thirsty for things like that. Maybe he can tell his son to stop behaving like that towards women.

Maybe his son will be single forever because of his attitude. LOL or maybe not. because there are also those who can get it right away because his job is engineering. But sorry, I'm not one of those girls. I don't give immediately, even though I will be twenty-four on Saturday. I will only give my virginity if I love the person, but sad to say, I don't like him, and I'm just using him to cover the hole in my bleeding heart.

So I already said the things that I wanted to say. I want to take out all my annoyance with that person here. That's what he did and said, but I'm very sensitive about that because I don't like men's behavior like that.

The lesson I got here is don't rush. Let's just let our hearts move on. This too will pass; just bear the pain instead of perishing.