Another Letter to Amanda

Dear Amanda... Happy Birthday!
I of course hope that everything is going as good as possible for you where ever you are.

I've been thinking of you from time to time and I still tend to cry when I do, but it's not as bad as I used to cry when I was depressed and I know you wouldn't want me to be sad or depressed so I remind myself of that and am usually able to return to my normal self before too long.

There's been a lot going on in my life! Some of it I'm not ready to talk about, but if you have a psychic connection with me like I think you do then you probably already know all of this and me even writing a letter is more of an exercise and tribute of love since you probably know all of this already anyways.

Yesterday I ordered a new camera! Well, it's a used older camera... I think it came out like 8 years ago, though it's still one of the best low light/night cameras in the world and I'm going to use it to try to film UFOs!!!

I've seen so many over the years, that I feel very confident that I will film some. And, I wanna go into Bradshaw Ranch at night and film with this too! That would be neat, it's only 12 megapixels so I won't be able to blow up any pictures very big, but I can still get some regular night landscape shots and sell them on 4x6s or 10x12s.

I've been discovering so much amazing stuff and have plans to go out to an exciting new spot when it warms up... I'm working on at least like 3 different movies that I wanna take to the film festival and each one I think is going to amaze and surprise some people.

Been making more good memories with family and friends and exercising a lot more and just living life and being grateful and happy in general!
It amazes me how much better I feel these days after learning to love and forgive myself more... Even though I'm 40 years old and have been through so much hell in life at times I feel like maybe I'm the happiest I've ever been.

And, that's really hard to say in the context of you not being here physically anymore cause some of my happiest memories were with you or just chatting with you...

The reason I can say that so confidently though is that I didn't really know how to love myself very much back when I met you or until the last few years really... And, life is just a whole different world when you really truly learn how to love and forgive and accept yourself.

There's as usual not much new to report in regard to romantic stuff... But, I've been working on myself a lot and I feel like I'm getting close to the point where I want to start seriously trying again!

There was one woman who I was interested in who I told you about before, but... She ended up treating me really bad again.

The main thing is that she ignored me while I was in incredible pain just like the time she ignored me when I was dying in the hospital and wouldn't even send me a text wishing me well.

But... She also lied to me and abandoned me for someone else.
I had asked her if we could go on a date to just see if there was anything there and she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with "ANYONE" and basically needed time to work on her relationship with herself, then not too long after that was posting memes on her page about the "perfect dating weather" and how she wanted to essentially be married and missed by her "man" and...

I confronted her about that and she basically ignored my points and tried to make me seem like a bad person for observing it and commenting on it and then she started ignoring me really bad and a bunch of other stuff then got into a relationship with some other guy and I haven't talked to her since... I haven't even read any messages that she might have sent...

At this point I just feel like... If she can lie to me, ignore me, throw me away and abandon me so easily, why should I even try to talk to her? She picked her path and apparently she didn't want me to be a part of her life like that, I wish she could have just been totally honest cause I felt like she kept leading me on up until near the end saying certain things which made me think she was "testing" me and still giving me a chance.

For example, she said I was one of the only people she had the energy to even hang out with and she asked me if I wanted to have kids when we went swimming and would post stuff about her "love language" being finding rocks with "someone" at the creek and I found it hard to believe she was referring to anyone else in regard to that cause I post and talk about geology and rocks all the time...

There were so many other things about how she talked to me and interacted with me, but ultimately I just get the impression now that she didn't really like me like that anymore and then I think about how every other woman except for you treated me similar and I have to wonder... What do I need to work on to increase my odds of someone not ditching me?

I feel like I need to work on money the most and then my OCD and then my sense of humor and good energy to be around and I have made a lot of progress! Yet, still feel like... Something must be wrong with me that no one ever wants to stick around and give me a chance...

All that being said, it was nice hanging out with her and her son a bit and I made some good memories and I'm getting so much stronger and more grateful and happy and improving my OCD and so many things including my old friend coming back into my life and helping me and... I really truly feel like my odds are perhaps better than ever.

I'm trying to look at the whole process like an adventure... And, I think falling in love again and having a family will be one of the best adventures ever! So, it's time to continue to be patient and work and build and enjoy the process instead of hyperfocusing on the outcome that might not even ever end up happening.

It will be okay if it never works out. I'm so happy just being alive now that I tend to go with the flow and not get so upset at what other people do... They can do whatever they want and I'll do whatever I want and hopefully someday I'll meet someone who wants to spend more time with me and treat me with genuine love, kindness and respect.

She did similar to me in the past and so many other women did as well, so I'm pretty "used to it", at this point... I saw her do similar to another guy who was interested in her at the same time as well and he got so depressed he posted sad stuff for months on his page and then finally posted the "suicide hotline" number before he started getting back to normal and... It's pretty crazy how powerful the idea of romantic love is and how so many are so wounded by such.

I used to feel similar when I was depressed and when I got rejected I wished I was dead even more and it's just so fucking cruel excuse my language, but it's so fucking cruel how people can lead you on and make you think you mean something and then just throw you away like you don't mean anything at all!

Many people end up killing themselves over that kind of stuff... Yet, so many seem like they could care less... Some of these people would probably even feel more powerful or attractive if someone did kill themselves over them... The amount of narcissism/apathy is shocking.

I just don't understand how people can treat other people like that especially when they KNOW much of my story and how I've been abused by so many other women and yet she still ended up doing pretty much the same thing...
I don't think I'll ever understand and that's okay cause I don't need to understand... I'll just keep doing my best to treat everyone with love and respect regardless of whether they are a romantic interest or not.

Deep down I feel like she treated me like shit because she has a difficult time loving herself.
She couldn't be honest with me because she can't even be very honest with herself.
And, I tried so much to help her with all her issues... But, some people don't want to be helped. They are comfortable in their discomfort... I know because I used to be like that myself and it was a ferocious battle to even get to where I am now.

Many people aren't willing to battle like that and you can only do so much and then you just gotta let people live their lives and wish them well and love them from a distance... I hope someday she finds a way and learns how to truly and sincerely love herself and treat others with more love as well.

Anyways... I'm excited to continue my life and I feel like incredible and positive things are in my future and I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm grateful I worked so hard to be here and I'm ready to keep working hard to get further.

There's a lot of amazing stuff in the future and I look forward to seeing you again when I'm done here on this plane.

Tons of love always. <3